The Greek Creation Myth
by marmoki
Summary: The Greek creation myth with a few more twists and turns, and a lot more hilariousness. I suck at summaries. Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

"Where is she? WHERE THE **** IS SHE?"

"Lord Cronus, your wife just gave birth, she needs some time alone-"

"I don't care!"

Cronus barged into the small bedroom where Rhea, goddess of motherhood, cradled her fifth child.

"Boy or girl?"

Rhea looked up. Although she looked calm, Cronus could see the fear in her dark gray eyes as she hugged the newborn close.

"It's a boy- sweetheart, please, can we keep this one, you swallowed the last four-"

"I'm afraid not." Cronus grinned nastily as he lifted up his son. He scrutinized the baby boy, which was yawning and blinking slowly. His eyes were a striking shade of pale sea green, and his hair was sapphire blue- just like his grandfather. Cronus looked over at Rhea.

"Perhaps you would like to name him before he goes down?"

Rhea's composure broke, and she sobbed several times before looking her husband in the eye.

"Poseidon."

"A good name for a child whose life will end so early." Cronus laughed as the baby went down. He then turned to his weeping wife.

"You do realize that was the child who the Fates predicted would overthrow me." He laughed again, maniacally, as he swept out the door. Rhea heaved a few sobs, and then pondered quietly. A small smile lit up her face as she came up with a plan.

About 10 months later

"Neda, help me! Help-"

"Please calm down, my lady, Lord Cronus will hear you!"

After a few agonizing moments, the sixth child of Cronus was born. While his features were somewhat like Cronus', his hair was completely blond and his eyes were a gorgeous shade of electric blue. Rhea smiled fondly down at her new son, and then handed him to her trusted servant.

"Neda, take him to Mount Ida immediately. Make sure Amaltheia comes with you, and keep him safe."

"My lady…"

"Yes, Neda?"

"Surely you will name him?"

Rhea looked at the baby that was gurgling happily in Neda's arms.

"Zeus."

Neda nodded her head. "A good name, my lady." She then led Amaltheia, the divine goat having been put on a rope leash, away from the palace.

Rhea watched until the three figures were out of sight. She turned away and whispered, "Good luck, child," and walked back into the palace.

Meanwhile, Cronus had swallowed the rock that Rhea had cleverly disguised as an infant. He turned to his wife and said, "Let's not have any more babies, okay?"

_Will do_, Rhea thought to herself.

---

**Author's note: Huh? I was first writing Hetalia stuff, and now I'm publishing mythology? THIS IS MADNESS! THIS-IS-SPARTAAAAA!  
**

**Actually, I'm not a huge fan of Greek mythology (EGYPSHUN AND THE OTHURZ ARE BETTUR), but I felt the need to rewrite this myth (the only Greek myth I liked) and make it a little more detailed and more humorous. **

**Hope you enjoy! And review, review, review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Ten years later

Zeus looked out of the cavern to the mainland of Greece. _I'd like to go there someday,_ he thought, _and see what life there is all about_.

He was ten, but looked twice his age. His blond hair was slightly spiked at the back, and his blue eyes glowed bright with unforeseen excitement. He wore a long white tunic loosely draped over his shoulder.

"Zeus!" called Neda from the back of the cavern. Zeus turned around and walked into the cavern, where at the end, there was an array of training equipment- wooden swords, spears, bows, and a dummy- all worn from use.

Zeus walked in, but saw no equipment set up for him. Instead, he saw Neda standing in the back of the room with a dark-haired woman he didn't recognize.

"Who are you?" He asked with the air of a curious child.

"Zeus!" Rhea could hardly contain her excitement as she raced forward and hugged him. Zeus bewilderedly hugged her back.

"Oh Zeus, I'm so glad you're safe, you've grown up so well!" She sobbed into his shoulder. Zeus stepped back, completely confused.

"Wait, hold it, who are you?"

Rhea jumped back. "I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself, I was so excited… I'm your mother…"

"Wha-?"

Neda gave him a look. "She is. I was the one who helped her give birth to you."

Zeus blinked. "Mom? Then what do you mean by safe?"

"Honey, your father is Cronus, ruler of Greece. He is a tyrant who rules over both god and human harshly. You are the only one who can stop him."

Completely shocked, Zeus shook his head. "No, no, no! This is too much- a random lady comes, tells me she's my mother, and now I have to save the world from an evil king?"

"I know this is a lot for you to take in, but you are our only hope! And if you stay here and do nothing, Cronus will surely find you and kill you, just like your brothers and sisters!"

Rhea gave Neda a warning look. Zeus' jaw dropped. "I have siblings?"

Rhea sighed. "Yes, like Neda said… and right now, they all dwell in the prison of Cronus' stomach."

Zeus choked on air. "He… ate them?"

"He was afraid they would overthrow him. But your mother replaced you with a rock, so she saved you."

"Oh, thanks, Mom…"

So will you do it? Surely you will not let your years of training be worthless?"

Zeus looked up and nodded firmly.

"Yes."


	3. Chapter 3

Mount Orthys

Zeus, wearing a large mustache that dangled haphazardly on his face, walked into Cronus' room.

"'Ello, Lord Cronuz, I am your new cup-bearer."

Cronus snorted and went back to his book. "It's about time. The last one left poison ivy in my drink and ran off with my serving maid. Hopefully you won't do the same."

_This'll be harder than I thought;_ _he knows what I want to do…_

_Well, except for the serving maid part…_

Two days later

Zeus walked into Cronus' chamber, carrying a goblet of wine.

"Cronuz, did you azk for zome fine wine?"

Rhea and several servants watched anxiously from the door. One nymph whispered, "Lady Rhea, are you sure this will work?"

"Positive," Rhea whispered back as she watched Cronus down the wine in one gulp. A strange look suddenly spread over his face as he fell on his knees, vomiting like crazy. Zeus rushed out the room and slammed the door. Sounds of retching reached their ears.

"Mother, are you sure that will save my brothers and sisters?" Zeus asked as he struggled to remove the fake mustache. Rhea smiled but said nothing.

About an hour later, Zeus nervously reentered Cronus' chamber. His father was curled in a corner, still busy puking his innards out, but Zeus stared, bug-eyed, at the unconscious (for some reason, already fully clothed) gods scattered around the room. He cautiously kneeled down and poked the one closest to him, a pretty young goddess with wavy brown hair. She awoke with a groan and looked up at Zeus with chocolate brown eyes.

"Huh? What…"

"Um, hi, my name is Zeus, I'm your brother, and I just saved you from the pits of Cronus' stomach," he said tentatively. He held out a hand and helped her up. Zeus noticed she could barely stand. The goddess leaned against the wall to support herself as Zeus woke up his two other sisters, Demeter and Hestia. When he was done, he turned to the goddess.

"What's your name?"

"Um, I think it was… Mother named me… I think it was… Hera?" She said nervously.

"Hera, I thought there were six of us in all?"

Hera pointed, and Zeus noticed two gods he had not noticed before lying near Cronus' bed, both still out cold. He walked over and poked one of them awake. The god woke up and looked straight up at Zeus with a confused stare. Zeus noticed he had Rhea's straight black hair and dark gray eyes.

"Um, hi, my name is Zeus, I'm your brother, and I just saved you from the pits of Cronus' stomach, what's your name?"

The god stared at Zeus before answering, "H-Hades."

"Nice to meet you." He helped Hades stand up and turned to the last god. Zeus noticed he looked a lot like Ouranos, though quite a bit more youthful-looking. Zeus leaned over and poked him. To his shock, the god woke up without hesitation. His pale green eyes fixed upon Zeus for a split moment, and he snarled "You!" and lunged at Zeus. Unfortunately, his legs, having never been used, gave way, and the god collapsed on the carpet.

Zeus stared at the god, who was still trying to get himself to stand up. "Um, nice to meet you?"

"Poseidon," called Demeter from the other side of the room, "show Zeus a little respect, he saved us from Father's stomach."

"How-can-I-" muttered Poseidon, his legs continually giving way, "Why-didn't-you-"

"-come earlier?" said Zeus. "I kind of didn't know. But first things first, let me help you up, brother."

He then held his hand out to Poseidon, who after a moment's hesitation took it.

After helping Poseidon up, Zeus turned to the corner where Cronus was vomiting, only to find he had vanished.


	4. Chapter 4

Zeus didn't know what to do next. He was one god who had five siblings who could barely walk. How was he supposed to overthrow his father? Rhea, who was currently in a joyful reunion with her sons and daughters, walked over to him and whispered, "Don't worry, dear, we will figure out a plan."

Once the group of gods arrived at unmapped Mount Olympus, as staying at Mount Ida would have been too risky, Zeus taught them all weapon skills. Thankfully, they all learned much more quickly than he had, except for Hera, who was more content to braid flowers into necklaces and collect shells by the shore. They soon gave up trying to teach her and continued to prepare for battle.

The war started without warning.

The group was in the middle of a training session when the sky suddenly grew dark. As the young gods looked up, startled, several giants flew out of the sky and attacked them.

"KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM! HYAAAAAAA!"

It took about a week to beat them back, and after that fight, the gods were all bruised and weary. As the months wore on and the battles progressed, Rhea looked at her sons and daughters with concern. She herself had never been trained to fight, so she couldn't help that way. A martial arts boot camp for gods in China (the group traveled all the way there, fighting off random mythological monsters along the way) had not helped so much with their battles, as the Titans mostly attacked long-distance. Then one day, as her children nursed their wounds, Rhea recalled Cronus talking about some Cyclopes he had imprisoned in Tartarus.

"Zeus!" The god looked up from trying to heal a wound on his arm. Rhea urgently explained everything to him, and Zeus slowly nodded.

"Okay, okay, where is Tartarus, anyways?"

After some digging around, Rhea found an old map of the underworld. Everyone gathered around it.

"The entrance to the underworld is right here," Rhea explained, pointing to a drawing of a cave. "Here are the plains of Asphodel, the fields of Elysium… and here is Tartarus. As I recall, your father locked them in the very deepest part, which is about… here," she said, pointing to the farthest side of the map. "It is a long and very dangerous journey, so I suggest we all go together-"

"No!" Zeus suddenly shouted, making everyone jump. "Its way too dangerous, we can't risk everyone getting killed. I'll go alone."

"Apparently freeing us from Cronus' stomach has done nothing for your ego!" Poseidon growled.

"Poseidon, this has nothing to do with egos now," Hades said in his soft almost-whisper voice. "We either win this war or we don't. Freeing the hundred-handed giants and the Cyclopes is our last hope. But brother," he said, turning to Zeus, "You can see on the map that Tartarus is far away, and the path is blocked by many bloodthirsty monsters. At least let Poseidon and me accompany you-"

Zeus shook his head. "No, you two stay here, defend our sisters and mother with those powers you just discovered. I'll go…"

He walked to the entrance of the cave, and turned around, pointing his sword at his brothers, who both tried to follow him.

"Don't any of you try to follow me, or I'll run this sword through you. Any of you."

He then left, and his siblings all stared in shock at the now-empty entrance.

---

**Author's note: I don't really know why I'm even updating this fanfiction anymore. No one reads it- or at least no one that I know of.**

**So if you really want me to update this, I need proof someone's actually looking at it. If you review, YOU WILL BE BLESSED BY THE GODZ.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

One year later

Hera looked out of the cave into the sunrise beyond and sighed. The gods had long given up hope that Zeus had succeeded in his mission, but despite numerous requests, did not dare try to follow him and possibly suffer his fate.

The gods, naming themselves the Olympians, were doing worse and worse now that one of them had left. Often they had to flee battles, and most were getting a fantastic collection of scars.

"I'm back!" called an extremely familiar voice. Hera turned to see a bruised but smiling Zeus trudging up the side of the mountain, accompanied by- you guessed it- two hundred-handed giants and a gaggle of Cyclopes.

"Zeus!" Hera squealed, racing to him and hugging him tightly. Hestia, who had just woken up, stuck her head out of the cave and screamed with joy, waking everyone else up.

"Everybody, Zeus is here with the hundred-handed giants and the Cyclopes!"

The Olympians gathered around Zeus and his new comrades (except Poseidon, who stood slightly to the side looking disgruntled) and Zeus explained everything- how he fought various monsters, how he narrowly escaped dangerous traps, how he finally found Tartarus, and nearly burned to death in the flames, and how he opened the prison the group of Titans had been imprisoned in…

"Yeah, we got to thank Blondie here," said one of the giants.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that!"

"Sorry, Blondie."

"So we made some presents to thank you," said a Cyclops. He held out three objects wrapped in cloths. "They're weapons for the dudes, you see, so we can fight Cronus and his cronies. He's a bad guy!"

"What about us???" screamed the goddesses.

"Sorry ladies," said a second Cyclops, "We can only make so many awesome weapons in two thousand years!"

The first Cyclops handed Zeus a thin package about two feet long. The giants hummed the Jeopardy theme song as Zeus opened the package. Inside was what looked to be a metal rod. Zeus held it in his hands, and it suddenly started to buzz with electricity.

"A lightning bolt!" Rhea said, beaming at her youngest son, who threw the bolt at a nearby target. The bolt hit the target perfectly, and with a dramatic burst of electricity, the target exploded.

"You with the blue hair!" bellowed one of the giants. Poseidon looked up startled. "Your brother told us about your water powers, so we give you this!" The Cyclops handed the god a package that was about twice as long as Zeus's. Poseidon opened it, again to the tune of the Jeopardy theme song, and unveiled-

"A three-pronged giant fork?" Poseidon asked, confused.

"No, it's a trident, for channeling your powers through it, you see."

Poseidon pointed the trident at another target and blasted a neat hole in it. "Sweet!"

"And the last package is for you!" said the Cyclops, handing a rather square package to Hades. He opened it, and the package revealed a beautifully crafted helm.

"It's pretty, but how can I use it, it's rather fragile…" Hades said, turning it around in his hands.

"Just put it on!" the Cyclopes chorused.

Hades put it on and suddenly disappeared. "Where did he go?" Everyone cried, looking around the room. Zeus suddenly started shaking his head frantically. The Olympians stared at him until they finally figured out Hades, still invisible, was slapping him.

The supposed conclusion of the War on the Titans was about to turn around.

---

**Author's Note: Hey, thanks to everyone who sent a review! (I guess threats do work... heh heh) **

**This story only has a chapter to go (sorry!) D: But R&R anyways, please!  
**


	6. Chapter 6

With the helm of invisibility, Hades managed to sneak into the Titans' headquarters and destroy most of their weapons, with Zeus and Poseidon following close behind, finishing off the enemies. The new leader of the Titans, Atlas, was quickly disposed of, to have the job of holding up the sky for the rest of eternity.

During the last days of the War, the three managed to break into Cronus' office. Cronus was not startled- he was expecting his sons to come sooner or later.

"So you boys are finally here," Cronus laughed, feeling for his sickle. He felt only cloth where his weapon should have been, and whirling around, saw his sickle floating away from him, way out of his reach. Cronus was not prepared for Hades and his helm.

"Come on and fight, old man!" Poseidon hollered, fiercely brandishing his trident. Cronus only looked at him and laughed.

"I remember you, boy; you were the one who was supposed to overthrow me!"

"What crap are you saying, old man?" Poseidon growled. "Come on-"

"HYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

The spiky-haired god let out a wild war cry as he pounced upon Cronus, beating him down with his lightning bolt. Cronus looked up, not at Zeus (who was tying him down) but at Poseidon, still standing there, holding his trident out in the same position and looking and feeling very stupid.

"I said, you were the one who was supposed to overthrow me!" Cronus laughed again, pointing a witchy finger at his second son. "The Fates stated as soon as my first son was born, one of the next would overthrow me, but since I swallowed you, my sneaky wife Rhea defied the prophecy and made Zeus! Zeus was not supposed to be the savior of the gods; it was supposed to be you!"

"Don't listening to him, Poseidon!" the still-invisible Hades called from the back of the room. "He speaks only lies!"

But the words had sunk in. Poseidon stared at the now-unconscious Cronus, terror and confusion mixed in his pale green eyes. But that moment was only temporary as Rhea and her daughters raced into the room.

"We took care of the last Titans!" Hera cried, hugging Zeus so tightly he choked. "They're going to Tartarus, right? Right?"

---

You all know the rest. Cronus and his cronies sent to Tartarus, the three brothers play rock-paper-scissors over the three realms, and Zeus becomes almighty-supreme-awesome-dictator-king-emperor-person. And of course, Poseidon is pretty furious, and Hades could care less.

And that's how it's been to this day.

---

**Author's Note: I admit it, I got lazy at the very end. **

**Please review so any future stories I write will be better than this crap! ^_^;  
**


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